How spirituality helped me let go…
Where it all began...
No one is going to mess with me again I proclaimed as I stared into my own eyes through the reflection of the mirror. That young man who was wounded and confused from being bullied and picked on every time he walked through the school gates. The rage had finally overtaken the sweet innocence that we are all born with. The fuse had been lit!
I was around 11 years old and after being moved school after constant bullying and missing around 4 months of schooling I had had enough. The school did not want to help, my mum and dad were arguing over which way to handle it. I was tired of the attention and I was done being afraid, something had to give.
Many of the boys had older brothers and I was well outnumbered ,I had suffered because my dad was of colour and I was popular with girls but too young and pure to understand the depths of jealousy and the destructive behaviour that stems from it. I just wanted to fit in and the racist taunts soon began to take their toll on me. I found myself pretending to be ill and chewing the cuffs of my jumper through nerves. None of it made any sense I just wanted to kick it, play, run and have fun. I was an individual and knew from a young age I never followed the crowd. It must of just been in my DNA but boy was I paying for it! The bullying continued for around 6 years and spilled to the outside of school until that day I said enough is enough.
I was over the park with my cousins playing cricket, here they all came at least 10 of them. Soon as they got close the jives and nasty words started to flow but this time I was still, silent observing my next move ….Bang I snapped, I picked up the cricket stumps and began to chase and fight all of them, they ran crying and stumbling. I remember looking down at my hands and thinking wow I can really fight. I had beaten the fear but had I really won.
The victory had unleashed a part of me that stayed with me a long time no one will mess with me again and if they do I know how to deal with it. This followed me around my whole life carrying anger and pain. Always ready to protect the prey from predators. But each fight only created more pain and more anger. It was killing me and I couldn’t even see it.
The harsh realistation that I was a prisoner of the past…
One day I was sitting there and it all hit me, this character I was this person I’d become had a lot to do with that little boy who said no one would mess with him again. I was never a bully and I am proud of that. But I had to forgive them to free myself and find that innocent boy again to live a life of peace and empowerment. Free to make choices from love and not hate.
The spiritual path showed me how letting go is not losing but choosing to move past situations and understanding that the boys had probably been conditioned from their family setup. This new path helped me to Walk from the higher states of understanding seeing how behavioural patterns are passed down. We are all born innocent the world just conditions us and bends and twists us to its design until we sharpen our focus and live from choice and freedom. I lost the ego character and found compassion.
Am I fully healed …no, but at least now I could step onto the path that led to that destination. The future is bright…
